The first scene: Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, and Legally Blonde's
Matthew Davis walk into a bar (shrug), and Davis casually kills a vampire at the stool next to him.
No one in the bar
reacts as the vampire screams, shrivels, and turns to dust, and the bartender simply makes an offhand joke
about making a mess. This first scene is to establish that everyone in town is used to seeing vampires everywhere.
The second scene: at the same town's local freak show, the ringmaster feeds the vampire Kristanna Loken blood,
and burns her using the touch of water. The entire crowd screams and recoils in surprise at these traits.
This is to establish that no one in town has ever seen a vampire. What?
The third scene: Ben Kingsley is on a throne, and everyone around him agrees he's the baddest mofo vampire
leader in history. And the Uwe Boll apparently decided that such a man needs to be on the verge of crying
the entire time, because Kingsley is about to burst into tears in every scene of the film.
"I AM the king of the vampires, mom! Waaaaaah!"
"WHY did I eat that burrito?! How long can I hold these cheeks together..."
Speaking of acting, we should point out that the actors must have been told to have phony British accents
in some scenes (to signify they're in Romania), distinctly American accents in other scenes, and never to use
contractions in speech ever (to signify they're Data the robot from Star Trek).
Well, back to the show. At this third scene of the film, we already start seeing flashbacks, which continue to
the very end of the film. The plot of Bloodrayne is that Kristanna Loken's mother was killed by Ben
Kingsley, so Loken wants to kill Kingsley in return.
However, Uwe Boll decided we'd never remember this, so every scene of the film from this point on flashes back to
the same scenes which explain this, before and after Loken, Kinglsey, and several other actors each have scenes
explaining this to us in great detail. The guy from Memento himself would be forced to remember the plot
to this film before remembering who killed his wife.
The next scene is of Loken escaping from her freak show cage. How does she escape? Well, one of the ringmaster
carnies decides to rape Loken the vampire. She, being a vampire, bites him, and
he dies. This is the smartest scene of the film so far.
After that, the characters run into Meat Loaf. That's basically when things start to go doooownhill.
Who does he play? Why is he in the movie? We saw it and couldn't tell you. He's a vampire surrounded by
Romanian prostitutes (Uwe Boll actually made sure to get authentic Romanian prostitutes, because that was
important, you know, to the film),
he opens his eyes wide and waves his arms around while screaming sarcastic things, and then
he gets killed in a sword fight. Then you realize about 20 minutes of the film went by, and you had to look
at Meat Loaf the entire time. Meat Loaf in makeup designed to make him look worse.
Afterwards, Loken is taken in by a secret society bent on killing vampires. Their bases are hidden because
members would be killed on sight in public, by the powerful vampires that rule the land.
And you can tell you're looking at a member of this society,
because they wear enormous gold and red pendants signifying their
membership wherever they go in public.
More importantly, though, the secret society provides Loken with her trademark uniform. The movie is based on the
video game BloodRayne, and the society gives the lead vampire her uniform of the game, in a scene that
uses a close-up of the new uniform. Here are the old clothes Loken was forced to wear by the cruel carnies:
Here is the new, BloodRayne uniform she wears proudly for the second half of the film:
Yes, the new uniform she has, I guess, is the removal of her jacket. This was kind of a low-budget movie.
UPDATE! This review first ended shortly after that last line, but now that the DVD has been released,
click here
for our ongoing clip/screenshot Uwe Boll coverage.
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