How Kirk and Friends Recruit
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Among "friends," we'll include people who are Cameron-like in their history and probably their beliefs.
First, of course, is Cameron himself.
As Kirk explains on his website,
in his blog entry, "Electric Evangelism," he had some professional electrician do some wiring in his house.
Kirk spoke to the electrician, who was trying to do his job, for a long period of time on the fact that
the electrician was going to die and go to hell because he was a terrible person as far as God was concerned,
of course. Kirk describes the electrician as a very
affable person open to his sermon, answering everything with "Sure," "Absolutely," and "Yeah." It's almost as if
the electrician were humoring a talkative guy while trying to get his work done, if we didn't know
he was actually so completely in
awe of the powerful words of Kirk Cameron. His blog, come to
think of it, is chock full of such talks with people.
In one blog entry, though, entitled "Open Air at a Public High School," he speaks about his friend, who runs the
site Aventures in Christianity, and how
this guy inspires the way Kirk preaches and gives him ideas on preaching. He also says,
"I love going to his site, listening to his uncensored witnessing encounters. You will too! Check it out."
And you know something? HE WAS RIGHT! I F*@#$%'ing LOVED this site! Here's the guy, and one of his
clearly inspired and uplifted preacher victims on his site:
(this is actually on his site. A woman about to deck this guy. Man, that's great)
The part that'll really amaze you, though, is
the uncensored witnessing video
Kirk describes.
(Prepare to love this guy)
This video takes place at a DMV. The dude says he likes preaching there for a few reasons including
the fact that you have a crowd "ready for you." That's sort of a nice way of saying that these people
can't really go anywhere and have to listen to you because they're waiting at the freakin' DMV.
Anyway, he gets up and starts talking to everyone with the usual patented Kirk Cameron "you're all going to
hell because you were built with different stages of mental development and humanity and God HATES that.
Below, we
have the highlights of this video:
(words of sensible crowd members in red, site narration in brackets, jackass talking in white quotes)
[About halfway through his speech, the audience is starting to understand just how much is off with this guy]
"Guys, here's one that really got me! The seventh commandment is never commit adultery, but Jesus said that
any man who looks at a woman and lusts after her, has committed adultery with her in his heart. So if you
said yes to these questions, by your own admission, you're a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart.
And you're going to have to face God on judgement day when you die."
[the crowd laughs, because they have at least half a brain]
"...It's actually very serious."
[Someone in the crowd asks:] "What are you saying, we're going to hell?"
[Dude's starting to get annoyed that people are starting to connect the dots:]
"Well, hang on a minute. You can leave your questions until later."
"But wait a minute!" [other people start telling him they disagree]
[Dude's got an ace up his sleeve to answer this:]
"Uh, first Corinthian, 6:9, check that out!" [who wouldn't? this guy's DYNAMITE!] "And Exodus 20."
[There's a pause, as the Bible-less crowd allows him to explain those two passages as
proof or perhaps a response to their questions]
"...Anyway, so here's the point I'm trying to make. One day, we're all gonna die."
[And we have an official BAIL on the Bible passage explanations!]
[After a while, his speech gets interesting again...]
"If God were
to judge you by the Ten Commandments, would he [or as we'll refer to here, God-With-Penis], find you guilty
based on that?"
"But everybody's done all that!"
[His response to their legitimate obversation on the obvious?]
"No... everybody's guilty."
[Now, even though he's not addressing the point,
he nevertheless starts to get pissed off that people are independently thinking,
so he has an appropriate answer to these people who are starting to get confused by his message and
want clarification:]
"Hang on... HECKLERS, just a minute, okay? Ok [to the crowd], you'll be found guilty,
if you're honest. Ok? If you're not self-righteous, you'd be guilty."
[Honest people are the ones that would be found guilty?
Ok, maybe he's getting a bit caught up in the complexities of the
"Everyone goes to hell, period" ideal. He continues later to clear things up with:]
"Would you go to Heaven or Hell?"
[The crowd:] "Heaven!"
"No, you'd go to hell, sorry. If heaven is a pure and perfect place, then we are impure and imperfect.
Let me ask you this: are there any murderers, are there any rapists, are there any child molesters,
are there any thieves or adulterers in Heaven? NO! Of COURSE not! Heaven's a pure, perfect place."
[Now, sure, this contradicts everything he's about to say about forgiveness, and he's about to explain
why there are murderers, rapists, child molesters, thieves, and adulterers in Heaven. Starting to catch on,
the crowd is getting fed up with this guy, and start saying so. He responds to their concerns with:]
"Hang on a second. So here's what I'm saying. [more in the crowd try to interject that he doesn't make sense.
He speaks louder so he can't hear them] ACROSS THE STREET is a courthouse. Ok, now if I went to the courthouse
and I was found guilty..."
[Kirk Cameron's "God paid for our fine" speech follows for a while, then:]
"So if you do get justice, and you do get what you deserve, you WILL end up in hell. It's where you belong,
it's where I belong. It's only fair. Fair is fair."
[And there you have it. Perfectly logical. Let's go home. Wait, there's more?]
So please folks, please just think about this. [Pointing a crowd member] Do you have an objection? A question?
...Ok, she's asking, 'What about big business? Right?'"
[And his insight is...]
"Ok. [pointing at the crowd again] Do you have a question?"
[this website officially tosses up its hands. We wash our hands of Kirk Cameron's band]
"Ok, so you have sinned against your conscience. Ok, so you're not a good person. You're just like the
rest of us because you're a sinner."
"But I'm a good person!"
"You're just like everyone. Yeah. Anyway, thank you very much for listening, I'm sorry if you think you're
a good person, you're just like the rest of us. Nobody's perfect, and uh, thank you very much."
WOW. That WAS inspiring! How could Kirk Cameron NOT be inspired by that video! It's one of his evangelical
crowd going up to strangers and yelling at them that they're terrible people and to shut up if they try to
say anything that seems reasonable. It's everything Kirk is trying to do with Macromedia Flash!
Now, while we're on the subject of Kirk-Cameron-esque people, how about a guy from Charles in Charge?
Willie Aames, who played "Buddy" on Charles in Charge, has been busy the past few years. How? Well,
with this gig:
(it's not a joke)
It's a series of DVD's, and even a video game!
Click here
to see the ad for the game.
And try to explain, if you can, just who the hell is the "he" that
they refer to in the ad a couple times. This is all kind of upsetting.
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