This Thanksgiving, we are most thankful that we were never murdered horribly by Dakota Fanning.
Because it could easily have happened.
(Update by Simon) Dakota Fanning, child star of such unsettlingly awkward films as War of the Worlds,
creeps us the hell out.
We don't know exactly why she is the way she is, but we have hints from her origins. A nun was accidentally
locked in an asylum for the criminally insane over the holidays, where she was savaged hundreds of times. When
the authorities finally found her, she was barely alive. And Dakota Fanning was found for the first time next to
her, drinking the blood of every dismembered inmate of the asylum. And so Fanning was discovered. The bastard child
killer of a hundred murderers.
If you don't believe us, believe your own eyes. Here she is in the baffling DeNiro film, Hide and Seek,
trying to look creepy:
Fine. And here she is, NOT trying to look creepy:
"That's right, just smile for them all,
I'm just a little girl, that's all they know, keep em all laughing, they don't suspect a thing, that's it..."
And here she is, barely keeping her human costume on:
When she comes for you at night, STARING at you at the foot of your bed, don't say we didn't warn you.