And the paper he sees...
|The Daily Toast January 23, 2005
Ian McDiarmid, "Emperor Palpatine" from Star Wars, Dies After Being Electrocuted and Falling Down a Well
Los Angeles, CA-
After the rain downed a power line that fell on actor Ian McDiarmid, the man who played the evil Emperor in Star Wars fell down a nearby well, screaming as electrical pulses still emanated from his hands, the only parts of him exposed from his black rain cloak.
A nearby power engineer, wearing a large protective helmet, long black protective gloves,
a black Panasonic Toughbook hanging from around his neck, and a hazard mask, reported having to pick up the actor
and physically toss him down the well to prevent others from being shocked by the now dangerously conductive
Anti-David Schwimmer Movement in Full Swing, Aided by Geeks
By Zelda Topps
The man who will bring down an empire. The Schwimmer empire.
People who hate David Schwimmer are uniting and finally making their voices heard, now that technology and modern devices make such protests convenient to make.
Simon Kim, pictured right, is leading the battle against all things concerning the actor
from Friends who honks and whimpers pathetically as he talks in a way proven to drive men to murder their wives.
His new video game, Kill David Schwimmer, spearheads the movement by using all
the most sophisticated technology available to show how satisfying it would be to children and adults alike to snuff the life out of this guy who stars in movies like Kissing a Fool that different religions have united against. Keep an eye on this game; it's bound to shake things up.
Tortured People with Real Problems in Iraq Become Goths and Vampires
Faced with real world problems and third-world living conditions, the people of Iraq are
naturally turning to wearing black eyeliner and white face paint, coupled with writing crappy poetry and making
third-rate websites complaining about their plight.
"It was only a matter of time before these hard working people,
who have suffered under
real oppression and now understand true evil, declared themselves to be vampires and started hanging out at goth
clubs talking about 'The Man,'" explained Ayad Allawi, the former Iraqi prime minister.
"Organized protests, independent initiatives to restart the shattered economy,
and even outright armed rebellion against a perceived oppressor could only last so long," Allawi continued.
"Reality will eventually catch up to the truly wronged, and those who learn the true face of villainy and wrath,
and then they'll totally start dressing like The Crow and saying things like 'You totally sold out, dude.'"
Experts report that if the presence of evil and darkness get much worse in
Iraq, we may be in danger of seeing hippies and anime enthusiasts.
Our hero gets an unexpected boost. Click here to go to the next page...