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Toasted Pixel Presents: Five Reasons Why the Narnia Movie Rocks

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe opens today. It's sort of like Lord of the Rings, only instead of orcs and cave trolls, we get talking dogs, and instead of Ents and Elves, we get talking beavers. Beavers who wear body armor because they're about to fight Minotaurs. And that's just awesome. Below, we run down the most important reasons the movie kicks butt:

Reason #1: It Will Traumatize Children Forever The movie introduces you to delightful, adorably cute, helpful, noble woodland creatures. And then they die horrible, horrible deaths. In the theater, I watched the children in the row in front of me during key scenes, and they reacted quite appropriately. The scene in which the hero Aslan gets tortured by the evil Queen made the children jump and recoil in absolute terror, and it will fuel my cauldron of dark powers for a long, long time.

Reason #2: Santa Claus Is In the Movie, and He Tells Children to Murder People with Santa's Instruments of War The movie is about hope. The main character children realize that hope is returning to the land when they see that Father Christmas has returned and is visiting them. And then Santa gives them each weapons and tells them that they're about to kill a lot of people with his gifts. And he smiles as he says it. Santa Claus has the best prophecies for children.

Reason #3: There's a Scene Where Two Children Do Their Best to Kill a Woman Using Knives There is perhaps no better lesson to teach your kids than the fact that it's sometimes good to pick up little blades and try to sink them deep into a woman to stop her breathing forever.

Reason #4: Lemony Snicket Is In It For No Reason Who is this guy? I don't know. But he's in the movie. Why? I don't know. But he enjoys seeing children upset and crying just as much as I do. I like this guy. The children grow to like him too. Maybe it's a Stockholm Syndrome thing. Again, I don't know. But it's still great that all that happens.

Reason #5: Mr. Tumnus Early in the movie, the main little girl wanders into a strange forest and meets the character Mr. Tumnus. Tumnus is a naked, creepy, shaky devil guy who tells the girl she should follow him and take the drugs he gives her. She complies. The moral of this story is that she was RIGHT for trusting him, because he does the honorable thing and leaves her alone when the mickey he slips her takes effect. And this is the lesson the children who watch the movie get. How, awesome, is that? This movie teaches children many things. All of them good.

Well, we hope we've been able to convince you to take your children to see Narnia. One way or the other, it'll help them grow up remarkably fast. Into a monster. Who wants a wuss? In other news, our latest UGO.com content is up. Go you to it!