Toasted Pixel Presents: The Most Jaw-Dropping Christmas Gift Guide Ever! It's Christmas time! One of our favorite times of the year. Christmas in America means many different things to many different people, but a few things are certain: Everyone's thinking of home and family. People whose careers and lives have diverged will come together again because they're of the same blood. Even estranged brothers like Sloth (from The Goonies) and the Cavetroll (from The Fellowship of the Ring): Everyone, regardless of ethnicity or religion, will enjoy the Christian spirit, as mandated by federal law. Lastly, everyone's thinking of gifts! And there's the tricky part. There are tons of geeky gift guides out this year, but they're all basically the same. Looking for a video game? Get Halo 2! Looking for a DVD? The Lord of the Rings trilogy! Looking for a book? The Harry Potter series! There aren't any surprises this year. To break up the pattern of humdrum and predictable gift lists, we've decided to shake things up by asking your favorite superheroes for the most awesome, super-ific, and absolutely jaw-dropping list of gifts you could ever give or receive. Enjoy!

Captain America's Gift Suggestions:

The DVD: DC 9/11: Time of Crisis The Premise: In 2001, Comedy Central ran a show called That's My Bush! It was an extremely anti-President Bush sitcom made by South Park creators Trey Parker/Matt Stone. Timothy Bottoms, the actor who played President George W. Bush, portrayed the dumbest, most frat boy imbecile President you could imagine, which was appropriate for the show. Well, the pro-Bush, pro-Patriot Act people saw that show and said, "That man is perfect at portraying our leader! Let's get him to play Bush for OUR show!" And that's exactly what they did. They took Timothy Bottoms and had him play the most serious, flattering portrayal of Bush in DC 9/11: Time of Crisis. Imagine if George Lucas watched Spaceballs and said, "Wow! Rick Moranis is playing the perfect version of Darth Vader I could imagine! Let's put him in Episode III!" That's pretty much what happened for DC 9/11. Idiots.

The PC Game: Varmint Hunter, Official NRA Licensed Product The Plot: The game opens with several graphics of prairie dogs posing in cute positions. One covers his mouth with his paws in an "Oh my!" position. Another gives a typical pet-begging pose. That sort of thing. And then they all prompty get their heads blown off by hunters with American flags painted on their guns. Nothing's more American than "the fastest growing hunting sport in the USA," as the The Varmint Hunters Association puts it. The VHA also says "the game is as realistic as possible," and that it is. In other words, in the middle of the day, all the varmints are asleep in their holes underground, and you'll be sitting there for hours staring at your screen without seeing a single varmint to murder. Ah, the glory.

Iron Man's Gift Suggestions:

The PC Game: JFK Reloaded The Plot: Kill JFK. That's seriously the point of the game. Anyway, Iron Man, with endless faith in the administration that started the Vietnam War (where he became handicapped/a superhero), will riddle Kennedy with virtual bullets over and over (playing as Lee Harvey Oswald) until he can prove that the former President wasn't assassinated by a conspiracy of Oliver Stone enthusiasts.

The Movie: Karate Ruler The Premise: Alright, here's the deal. In the year 3168, earth is ruled by J.J. Houdini, aka Karate Ruler. Leather-clad punks from the planet Olvidan threaten to destroy the earth. Only an official karate ring match between the Olvidan leader, Natas ("Satan" backwards), and the Karate Ruler (who can call upon the spirit of his Jedi master who communicates via a tape recorder hung around his neck), can save the earth. The Karate Ruler fights with glitter and oil covering his body. Iron Man, who will be portrayed on film by Tom Cruise next year, is interested in this movie because he's disabled. And it just so happens that Karate Ruler is a film entirely written by and starring a cast of the developmentally disabled. But Iron Man isn't interested in any film just because the entire cast has learning disabilities. Karate Ruler, believe it or not, is a VERY GOOD MOVIE. Complete with visual effects, sound effects, and everyone giving it their all (in extreme facial close-ups whenever anyone has lines), Karate Ruler left everyone's jaw on the floor. In a good way.

Batman's Gift Suggestion:

The Book: Michael Crichton's State of Fear The Premise: Logic, history, and well, facts, may tell us that environmentalists are sort of underfunded compared to the oil industry and the US government. Michael Crichton's book State of Fear, however, makes the bold assertion that nay, it is the tie-dye wearing hippies that secretly have the ability to create James Bond-esque doomsday devices and the will to destroy the world while lying about it. The best part is the hippies' motives in destroying the world: to convince people that the world is in danger of being destroyed. Pure brilliance. Anyway, Batman is a billionaire industrialist who seriously hates hippies and environmentalists (and regularly fights eco-terrorist Poison Ivy), so this book will stuff the stockings of all his friends this year.

Blade's Gift Suggestion:

The Movie: Highway to Hell The Premise: Obsessed with all threats from Hell, Blade can't help but smile at this gem. Highway to Hell stars Kristy Swanson, Ben Stiller (as Attila the Hun), his sister Amy Stiller (as Cleopatra), Lita Ford, and Gilbert Gottfried as Hitler.

The consensus: We've finally made Santa Claus cry.