The Defender is the directorial debut of Rocky IV's Ivan Drago himself, Dolph Lundgren. Yes, the man took the helm and put himself in the starring role. He's finally creating something he's wanted to make palpable, offering us his pent-up vision as reality, fulfilling his dreams with...

Well, anyway, the movie, made by the heavily accented Swiss actor, is naturally about the inner secrets of American homeland security. Shrug. And in his world, Jerry freakin' Springer is the American President. Being Jerry Springer, he shouts and motions a lot more obscenities than you're probably used to seeing on COPS, in the name of all that is free and decent in the world:

Click here to see Jerry give the Presidency his touch of class.
(mpg size: 435KB)

The movie apparently didn't have much of a budget, as the White House Oval Office now looks suspiciously like a railroad apartment livingroom. And is suspiciously no longer oval.

The federal government apparently had to make a few cutbacks in real estate. And moved to Europe.

Presenting the most famous room in the entire USA this way is sort of like presenting the inside of a nuclear Naval submarine with pink fuzzy wallpaper. However, that's actually a flattering portrayal compared to the plot concerning American defense policies.

The plot, which is impossible to follow, revolves generally around Osama bin Laden. Actually, the movie renamed its Osama bin Laden (who's now "Mohamed Jamar"), perhaps to avoid terrorist copyright protection laws.

"Don't sue us, Osama!"

The story, as best we can gather, goes like this:

Osama bin Laden (Mohamed Jamar) is actually a CIA operative. Posing as a terrorist, he can help flush out who in the American government is treasonously trying to kill Jerry Springer. How does this help? They don't explain, but I guess that sort of thing should be obvious. Dolph Lundgren's job is to help protect the CIA operative as people try to kill him (perhaps understandably) for being Osama bin Laden.

If you need to be told at this point, the movie is kinda bad. In a "it's not really a movie" way. Absolutely no scene in the film jives with any other or contributes to the story. Thus, continuity and a story are absent. You see how that works?

You will actually wonder if anyone in the film realized they were being filmed. Because nothing people do or say makes any sense. For instance, one of the opening scenes is of Dolph Lundgren and his hard-boiled security team entering in the The Right Stuff/Michael Bay dramatic slow motion way:

However, for no reason, everyone on the team busts out into hysterical laughter in the middle of their dramatic walk, even though no one says anything:

And then they become hard-boiled and serious, still silent, continuing their walk. Perhaps the laugh provides the enormously long walking scene with some much needed comic relief.

Well, it makes a great gift. Confuse your enemies with it.

Read the review and can't live without seeing the previews of Jerry Springer scream, "TELEVISION! THAT'S GOD!" to no one? Here!