Toasted Pixel


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Toasted Pixel Presents: The Abuse of Graphics Technology Awards! (Part III)

Alternatively called:

How to Give Your Children Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

A sample image from our ultimate winner...

The Award:	The Flash Game Most Likely to Give Your Children Debilitating Neuroses

The Winner:	Stop Fluin' Around!

Speech:	Everyone knows that Flash is a great program for making visually stunning, interactive websites and simple visual games. However, did you know that it's also a great tool to make your children wash their hands until they bleed?

"Stop Fluin' Around!" is on the website for the "Scrub Club." Okay, so to start with, the defining aspect to being in this club is how much you scrub and worry about germs. Why don't we make another club called the "Parents' Pills Popper!" kids club? It'd all mean the same result five years from now.

This game supposedly teaches kids how to protect themselves from the flu. Unfortunately, this game has decided that all children are morons, and that kids won't understand what the flu is unless they give it the ridiculous name "Influenza Enzo," which is obviously much easier to remember than "flu." Also, notice how the instructions to this game put the word "flu" in quotes?

And the "flu" can give you:

As if the government has a conspiracy to call it the flu, but hip kids know that they're actually dealing with a 1950's green Mafioso who's offering to give them a hand job in a red medieval castle back alley (wtf)?

In any case, let's start covering the actual game.

The first step to giving your children a crippling neuroses is to make them morbidly afraid of everything that normally brings them joy. So, the first thing this game teaches you is that Influenza Enzo is a deadly threat lurking EVERYWHERE:

Game Narrator: "One of our most dangerous enemies, Influenza Enzo, also known as the flu, is on the loose!"

Enzo: "I'm gonna make you'z a fever you can't refuse!"

Game Narrator: "This microscopic monster might be hiding anywhere! Like a doorknob, or your toys..."

(This is how we want our children to look at their playthings. In terror)

Game Narrator: "...sometimes, even on your best friend!"

(This was once your friend. Now, he it's either you or him. Join the Scrub Club Youths. Hail!)

Game Narrator: "And when those germs land on other children, they can make them very sick too!"

So now we've established the terror factor in our kids. Good. Now, let's get to the treatment. Strap your kids into the chair, and let's go over the gameplay...

Game Narrator: "Fortunately, the flu has a major weakness! By simply washing your hands often and carefully, you can keep Influenza Enzo on the run!"

(sort of like a gigapet, only you must murder it at all costs)

Game Narrator: "Poor Maria just touched a doorknob that Angie had touched earlier! And now, Influenza Enzo is hiding on her hands! He hopes to make her sick, before she has a chance to wash them! Can you help Maria put Enzo down the drain before she gets sick?"

This is a great moral for children. Whenever you touch anything that someone else touched, wash your hands immediately. This is why my fingers bled for years as a child.

The next step is to wash Maria's hands.

(Hand washing is an EXTREME SKATER sport, Maria. The hand washing scenes for this game/girl total about 10 minutes)

As you wash, the game asks you questions. When you answer correctly, you are "rewarded" by the opportunity to wash Maria's hands more.

(Don't worry about her. She likes to watch)

TWENTY SECONDS? Every time you touch something that someone else touched, you have to wash for twenty seconds? This game teaches kids two forms of Obsessive Compulsive behavior: repetitive hand washing, and repetitive counting during compulsive movements. It's covering all the bases for you.

Some of the questions in this game are downright insulting to humans.

(Is this game about the flu or a freakin' venereal disease? "Red bumps?")

Others simply attempt to get your kids to end up dead:

(You have the flu germ. Now dance, children, dance)

This madness eventually comes to a close.

(If you dry your hands, Sassy Spacek here will give you your reward. Yeeeaaah)

To celebrate Valentine's Day, why don't you practice how to ruin your future kids' lives with a loved one? Together.

The consensus: A game teaching kids to vomit for thinness would've been cooler.