Toasted Pixel


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Toasted Pixel Presents:

Celebrity Rampage 2005: Kirk Cameron
(Part II of II)

Kirk Cameron's website, The Way of the Master, tells you that you're going to hell because you haven't been lobotomized, that much we've covered so far. But we haven't covered the fact that Kirk Cameron is totally DOWN with urban culture!

There's a section of his website called "Kirk's Column." This is basically his blog, and your window to the world's greatest hipster. NOTHING screams "cool disadvantaged minority" like Growing Pains alum Kirk Cameron. Below is a sample of his blog. This entry is about how he watches his friend Larry try to convert a few people who are drag racing outside a diner (you don't actually have to read it, it'll hurt your brain; just read the excerpt below it):

From KIRK'S COLUMN:

Larry dropped the "G" bomb... Without flinching, he asked one guy named "Nate-Dog" if he had kept God's Ten Commandments. He hadn't.

Wow! Not only do they meet legendary hip hop artist Nate Dogg and totally drop the G-bomb, yo, but they meet Nate Dogg in a diner parking lot as he's drag racing teenagers! And Cameron's so cool, he doesn't even have to spell Nate Dogg's name correctly, even inserting an extra hyphen and putting quotes around it, just like I do whenever I meet someone of another culture. Good old "Nelson-Mandela" (if you really feel like calling him that crazy, uncivilized name), did a lot for "those-people."

In the end, Kirk's friend finishes preaching, and the proselytizers go home. Because the "wolves" didn't kill Kirk and his friend, Kirk said they all agreed they just witnessed a "miracle." And we have to agree. Whenever a group of teenage minorities sees a white person and doesn't kill them on sight, it's a miracle. I remember when I was a teenager, that was one of my favorite activities, killing white people I saw. Especially in diner parking lots. It's like Kirk knows me and my culture.

Anyway, if you don't believe Cameron speaks to all cultures yet, try THIS on for size. Another entry in Kirk's blog describes the other kind of ministry, the kind that dares to use a honky-tonk organ, "gyrations, finger pointing, sweating, shouting, and Bible-waving" :

From KIRK'S COLUMN:

While I can appreciate this preacher's charisma and athletic ability and the groove of a funky organ riff, I fear what awaits him on the Day of Judgment when he stands before a holy God to give an account of his false teaching.

Can you feel the groove? Can you really feel the groove of the funky organ riff? Well, if so, prepare to burn in hell forever, again. Sigh. Kirk says the point is that the Bible is so awesome, you don't need charisma, or good music, or anything that may keep someone's attention, as you tell people why they're going to hell. It's that entertaining on its own.

Kirk's site, incidentally, offers a religious video feed, which we watched right after reading this, and the video was of a preacher telling a series of Bible jokes to his congregation to get them into his sermon. Gems as precious as "God created Eve because he knew that Adam would be lost in the garden and wouldn't ask for directions!" The entire feed consisted of jokes like that, with occasional Bible passages thrown in as the sermon. With jokes like that, this preacher isn't boring the crap out of a captive audience, he's rescuing them from entertainment.

Phew.

We've saved the best for last...

Kirk goes to preach to a bunch of kids in a mall parking lot, and the war of wits begin:

KIRK CAMERON vs LITTLE GIRL:
A Battle Royale of Intelligence

From KIRK'S COLUMN:

As I swung to the subject of God, a little Indian Buddhist girl stepped forward and said "So this is what you do now? You give people money so they'll stand here so you can brainwash them?!" I felt sick.

This little girl is AWESOME! She rules! But wait, we have to see Kirk's brilliant comeback to this:

I swallowed my pride for about 10 more minutes before I packed it in and went home, licking my wounds. I felt terrible.

You can't even hold your views up to the justified berating of a little girl?! And why are you calling her an "Indian Buddhist girl" anyway? Is she wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm from India and yet I'm a minority Buddhist somehow?" That's like me going to a Texas middle school and saying, "I saw a little Belgian Jew in the playground. How did I know she's a Belgian Jew? Well DUH! She's WHITE!"

Of course, maybe I'm not giving Kirk his due. He's bound to come up with a way to tell this girl a thing or two. Or at least talk to her at all, that'd be an improvement.

KIRK CAMERON vs LITTLE GIRL:
Round Two

From KIRK'S COLUMN:

In the distance I could see that little Indian Buddhist girl standing on a bench in front of her friends. I ducked behind a tree.

Great job, Kirk, you really showed this little girl who's boss.

But it was too late. She spotted me, ran up and threw her arms around me and yelled in a mocking voice, "Oh Kirk Cameron, where's my free Bible! I want a free Bible!" After shaking off this little distraction (obviously a demonic dart to discourage me again), Johnny and I shared with another group.

First of all, this little girl is officially the coolest cat ever. Second of all, we know Kirk is pretty liberal with handing out the hellbound labels, but this is the first time we see him call anyone actually demonic. But who can blame him? She's a little girl, and as we've already covered at the very beginning of this Kirk Cameron Odyssey:

Little children go to hell in Kirk's world.

The consensus: Maybe, just maybe, it's not the entire rest of the world that's going to hell, Kirk...