Toasted Pixel


Updating Every Weekday Unless Something Horrible Happens to Me

Toasted Pixel Presents:

How to Destroy a Perfectly Good Childhood Memory

We've covered many travesties, acts of insanity, and Kirk Cameron here. Nevertheless, even in the annals of celebrity eyebrow-raising and war crimes history, there occasionally comes along something...

This.

And here is today's winner:

Yes, this is a site dedicated to pornographic stories about Transformers robots.

Eh? It can't be, you say? Don't think it could be that? There are lots of stories indexed on this page; they could be about a lot of different things, right? Well, maybe the classy titles and taglines to these stories will tell us their true nature. Here's one:

" Precious Things: Alita finds a little surprise in the packet Optimus gave her before she left on her suicide mission... a photo of him naked on a bearskin rug"

Interpret that as you will. Now, delving into the actual story really makes you think about the Transformers in ways you probably haven't growing up:

This certainly wasn't like the Optimus she knew, who was usually such a stick-in-the-mud about mixing sexual adventure into their jobs. Her optics voraciously devoured the large glossy photo before her of her lover, stretched languorously out on an enormous Transformer-scaled reproduction of a bearskin rug, a key piece of armor conspicuously missing between his legs as well as on his face.

This story fills gaping story holes that have been nagging children for decades. For instance, I'm sure all the viewers of Transformers cartoons were wondering just how pleasing a polaroid of a naked robot on a Transformer-scaled reproduction of a bearskin rug would be to an aroused female Autobot.

I mean, right?

And, it's certainly true that the Optimus Prime we knew was pretty uptight about mixing sexual adventures with the war against Megatron. Not that we remember it coming up all that often.

But this isn't as good as it gets. No, as usual, fan fiction discredits gay people everywhere, as this site is chock full of male Autobot-on-Autobot action. There are plenty of examples, from the heartwarming story of Phantom's Smut Confession, to the provocative Illusions, which shows tender moments between the two Autobot leaders Ultra Magnus and Optimus Prime:

"I order you to satisfy me," Prime responded to the incredulous gaze. Magnus closed his eyes and whimpered as a surge of pleasure darted through him. This was so much better than his most daring fantasy. Hand trembling with nervousness and eagerness, he reached out and stroked it down the unit.

Hey! I think we found our new Official Company Email Signature! From now on, all emails coming from Toasted Pixel will read like the following:

The unique twist on these stories is (of course) that these are robots. And here's the thing: robots' memories can be erased. So, no matter how many times Optimus Prime screws Ultra Magnus (sure didn't think I'd be writing that when I woke up this morning), Magnus is always surprised when it happens. For instance, on Illusions:

"I need to know that you are still capable, Magnus. I need to know that you can perform."
"Perform?" Magnus asked, confused. It seemed like an odd word to use to describe his position.
"Yes," his leader murmured. "I want you to prove yourself to me." And slowly, unbelievably, Optimus reached down and removed his cod piece.

We'll pay Brad Dourif (actor who played the creepy Wormtongue character from The Two Towers) to read that at story hour. It'll be AWESOME.

But the biggest twist on this whole topic is the fact that this fan fiction page DOESN'T STAY CONFINED to Transformers:

And there, we have stories about Harry Potter "reconciling" with Snape, and, well, I'm sure it's better than the Chris Columbus film versions, anyway.

But that's an analysis for another day, or perhaps another country with more liberal laws.

The consensus: This could as easily have been about Voltron, you know.