Toasted Pixel


Updating Every Weekday Unless Something Horrible Happens to Me

Even generous roommates act this way.

In college, this stalemate is the worst, because there can be up to five people coexisting without anyone getting bathroom currency. That can be messy.

Sorry about all this.

Toasted Pixel Presents:
1984's Mr. T Rap Song

The Mr. T Rap song, "Treat Your Mother Right."

Mr. T is perhaps best known as gun toting, face-bashing, fool-pitying character of B.A. Baracus on The A-Team. However, we think he should be best known for his music career. Why?

Because how many other hardcore rappers do YOU know who use pink fonts and military-camouflage hotpants with knee-highs?

Not many. But they should, by golly. They should.

In any case, let's start analyzing the video. After the pink intro, we see two lovable scamps screaming at each other with the utmost hate:

Girl: "Twelve? You couldn't be more than five!"

Boy: "You're so fat, they have to jack you up to take off your shoes!"

Girl: "Yeah, well you're so skinny your eyes are in single file!"

Boy: "Well you're so ugly, your ears stick out to get away from your face!"

Girl: "Well you're momma is so--"

Enter Mr. T.

Sure, he can stand by and idly watch with a smile as kids make fun of each other's weights and sizes, which is healthy for kids of all ages to do. But no way will he stand by as someone tells a harmless yo mama joke.

Mr. T: "Wait it, wait a minute! Don't bring in your mothers into this! She isn't here! And if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be here! So remember, when you put down one mother, you're putting down mothers all over the world."

So remember, when you put down the evil Dark Helmet character from Spaceballs, you put down fathers' brothers' cousins' nephews' former roommates ALL OVER THE WORLD.

This is where things start to get a bit unsettling. Mr. T starts to rap about how much he loves his mother, but for some reason, we have no idea why, he's so ANGRY about it.

Mr. T: "Mother! There is no other, like mother! So treat her right!

"Mother! I'll always love her!

"My mother! So treat her right!"

Why is Mr. T seething with such venom while he tells us that he loves his mom? It is at this point that we can safely hypothesize that Mr. T's mom received several death threats, and Mr. T made this video to show people in prison how serious he is about revenge. Ah yes, this video MUST be about revenge.

But here's a highlight of the video. Angry Mr. T tells us that "mother" is an acronym, as he tries to read cue cards with visible difficulty:

"M is for the moan, and the miserable groan, from the pain that she felt when I was born!

"O is for the oven with its burning heat! Where she stood making sure, I had something to eat!

"T is for the time she stood up at night, and took my temperature when I wasn't feeling, right!

"H is for the hard earned money she spent, to keep clothes on my back, and try to pay the rent!

"E is for every wrinkle that I put on her face, And every worry that I caused when I stayed out late!

"The last letter, R, is that she taught me respect! And for the room up in heaven that I know she's get!"

Think this is as good as it gets? Nay.

Next, the video shows us the various ways we can honor our mothers.

One way is to lift your skirt and show everyone your private parts while you bike with your mother in tow:

Another way to honor your mother is to become a completely creepy kid who dresses up to look just like OJ Simpson did when he murdered his wife:

The last way is to simply "be somebody." To drive the point home, the video closes with a jazzercising junkie from the Night of the Living Dead telling us this line with her best "I just shot up" look and sound.

Thank goodness for Mr. T and the madness he brings to us.