This story from CNN documents how a turtle came out of a pet store fire to
show the marks of Satan.
"The marking on the shell was like the devil wanted us to know he was down there,"
[pet store owner] Bryan Dora said.
At this point, we'd like to point out how
only trailer-based America is receptive enough to see
that Satan lives in a strip mall pet store
in the midwest.
And he's a turtle.
A turtle responsible for unjust wars and abortions and other women's rights,
America's Satan is named "Lucky," and lives with his owner 40 miles northwest of Indianapolis.
Why is it that nothing in American mythology or history suggests that Satan has any interest
in big cities, world leaders, or international policies? Nay, Satan is only interested in
possessing little girls and domestic fish tank pets. Is Satan some kind of a yutz in the Bible? Is he
obsessed with possessing house plants in Arimathea? Does he spend nine hundred pages of the
Bible stuck in the body of Moses' cat, with hillbillies all over the Middle East coming thousands
of miles on a pilgrimage to see god's image on a falafel?
At least the Christian god has
the decency to show up on tortillas,
and
The Virgin Mary has the class to show up on ebay as a grilled cheese sandwich.
ON EBAY AS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.
America rules!
According to Christianity, we mere humans are caught in the largest war in this world or the next,
and we can sum up the epic struggle in three panels:
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