Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld 2: Elf Battle for Middle-earth"
In 2003, the universally vilified Kate Beckinsale film, Underworld, portrayed
a war between werewolves and vampires in modern day America. The sequel, Underworld Evolution
(slated for release this December), aims to show us just how badly their budget got cut,
since they apparently had to resort to raiding the Lord of the Rings wardrobe
and using all the elf costumes to clothe these vampires. Vampires crossing over with elves?
This may be the best idea for a film yet! All they need for the next sequel is
lasers. And Yoda.
To set itself apart from
the Lord of the Rings films, however, Underworld Evolution seems to simply
have painted all the elf costumes completely black. This proves that the Underworld series
not only takes place in modern day America, but specifically Manhattan's Soho district, where all
the completely pale, emaciated, elitist night crawlers only wear black.
Our next film is a crossover of crossovers:
Jennifer Connelly in "The Ring Eye Grudge Two"
Dark Water, the Jennifer Connelly film slated for release in August,
follows the success recipe of the smash hit horror film The Ring.
And The Grudge. And The Eye. And Ring Two. And
about fifty-eight other horror films coming out in 2005.
Yes, Dark Water seems to cross plots/characters/crew
complement formulas with more movies than most.
Here's the madlib that
generates all current American horror films:
_____Dark Water / The Ring / The Grudge / Ring Two_____ is a remake of a Japanese horror
film. It stars _____Jennifer Connelly / Naomi Watts / Sarah Michelle Gellar_____ as a
stoic, eyebrow arching woman who enjoys staring blankly at old photographs of dead people for the entire film.
Our hero comes across a mystery involving a female child ghost, and
another mysterious child who seems possessed. The key to this mystery
seems to involve a lot of water damage in homes and bathrooms that are leaky for no logical reason
(because leaky bathrooms are scaaaaaary!).
People who get involved with the mystery end up dead, and it's
up to our barren faced, straight-haired hero to solve this, and find out if
the young ghosts are the victims, or the murderers themselves. To give
credibility to the film, there's a random Japanese person on this American crew, who was involved
in the production of the original film. The advertising campaign will emphasize that this is based on a
brilliant Japanese film that was recreated frame for frame to be an identical American film,
only this one is even better because it
stars white people. Oh, and the movie makes no sense.
That's odd, I expected to end up with more places to add madlib blanks than that. Huh.
Our final preview is less of a crossover film than it is a bunch of film executives throwing up their hands
because they can't think of anything.
Generic Adam Sandler White Trash Football Underdog Movie #1849
We have to make a retraction from a previous feature. Back in September, we had a madlib to
generate the only possible Adam Sandler film plots left to make, and it went like this:
Adam Sandler plays a slightly below average schmuck who's happy with his low-brow life as
__apron-wearing drug store clerk / office peon / contruction worker / tour guide / angry boyscout leader__.
Although his abrasive nature and rampages of brutal honesty means he shouldn't be dealing with people at all,
his job forces him to deal with the public on a daily basis.
His secret dream is to become a famous __aerobics instructor / American Gladiator / sports video game tournament winner / monster truck driver__.
He sucks at the skills that would require him to obtain that goal, but thanks to a shocking twist of outrageous fortune,
he has the opportunity to instead become a famous __British royal guard drill instructor / wig mogul / rabbi / abrasive children's show host__ with a heart of gold.
Entering that life begrudgingly,
he soon falls in love with __Brittany Murphy / Denise Richards / Jessica Alba / Cameron Diaz / amazingly talented actress who's good at looking bitchy then puzzled and eventually sweet__.
Although she is rich, proper, and can't stand him, she is forced to deal with him regularly, and learns to love him through their common goal of saving a home full of
__orphans with speech impediments / injured dogs with those safety cones around their heads / young single mothers__
that evil __Norm Macdonald / Rob Schneider / Andy Dick__ wants to demolish.
But it turns out that someone in Hollywood had a better idea. Let's make an Adam Sandler film...
that we already made! Let's take one of his films, say, one where he's put into a white
trash position in society at a huge disadvantage, with an underdog football team his only hope
(and he becomes the only hope for those underprivileged around him). And let's make that our new film,
The Longest Yard, slated for release in May.
Is there anyone left working in Hollywood who's paid to, you know, come up with ideas?
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