The SCI FI Channel is the most amazing thing to happen since talking dinosaurs. The world would be a
much more awful and mundane place without it and its made-for-tv movies like Mansquito.
Their latest offering to, well, evil, is the unique film Mammoth, which premieres April 22nd.
Mammoth was constructed from the ground up, with much purpose, drive, and effort, to become the most
psychotic film ever made by non-ghosts. And when I say psychotic, I would like to mean it in the pejorative
sense, but I can't. It's actually made to be inflicted with psychoses that cause terrible harm to humans.
Mind you, it doesn't start that way. At the beginning, you get a very basic, straightforward animation of cave
drawings that show early history, and the fact that UFO's sided with the mammoths in the
ice age against humanity.
And the UFO's put homing devices on the mammoths, one of which is activated when a scientist discovers it
while researching a frozen mammoth corpse.
Yes yes. And that device triggers a UFO to arrive, crash on earth, and release life energy that creeps towards the
mammoth corpse, turning it into a zombie.
And, naturally, the UFO powers imbue the zombie mammoth with the ability to steal the souls of its human victims.
That all is sensible, logical, and explainable.
So when I said it was psychotic, I meant it made Tom freakin' Skerritt
do this scene, which won't make sense to you. Ever.
(mpg size: 4.66 MB)
The giant gorilla costume he's dragging across that lawn and then talks to in his car,
incidentally, is a human victim who walks up to the house randomly in a gorilla costume and then
even more randomly gets killed by getting impaled on the house TV antenna.
Shrug. Every five minutes of the movie seems to be directed by a different person. I refuse to believe
that the Tom Skerritt scene above was directed by the same person who directed
this Tom Skerritt scene, which will also never
make sense to you, because you are alive.
(mpg size: 3.17 MB)
That scene, which was only meant to plant plague and treachery in you,
was sandwiched between two scenes of teenagers dancing at a rave. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
But Summer Glau from Serenity is at the rave, and being Summer Glau, she's required by
contract to be horrendously afflicted by super powers and altered realities.
So it turns out, for no reason known to Aslan or Satan, that music (or headphones) makes time itself slow down around
her, and gives her the power to beat the crap out of any giant Russians who happen to come near.
This, of course, has no bearing on the plot or anything else, but, well yeah.
The sands of time are no match for the star of TV's Firefly
(mpg size: 4.51 MB)
Death is a puckered Glau.
(mpg size: 1.18 MB)
However, we shouldn't lose sight of the film's main topic, which is of course the mammoth alien zombie.
He shows up and kills people at the rave, since (face it) that just happens at raves in motion pictures.
The undead show up and kill people. It's a rave; there needs to be no other explanation.
(mpg size: 1.18 MB)
Now, a little known fact is that once you see a zombie mammoth crash your rave, you too become a zombie
by default, and the people at the rave all suddenly walk blankly down the road, because hey, they just saw a zombie
mammoth, which again needs no other explanation.
You care for life no longer after seeing THE MAMMOTH.
(mpg size: 1.18 MB)
Anyway, the film gets a little surreal once the men in black show up, accost the main character scientist
for being the foremost expert in mammoths, and start shooting at the mammoth with ray guns.
We could go on, but the fact is, there's nothing more for you (if you're still looking for answers) but to
watch Mammoth.
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