George Romero's Batman
Batman Begins is a cool movie, although not even war-torn Somalia has
as much slaughter and mayhem and bazooka-sewn property damage as the affluent, billionaire suburbs of Gotham City do daily.
In any given week, Gotham City is plagued by like 17 types of chemical weapon attacks, thousands of escaped criminals
from the worst-guarded prisons since Hogan's Heroes, zombies (yes, that's right, zombies;
refer to the above photo of mischievous city critters),
and even an Asian person (shudder).
Oh, and technically, as I learned upon watching the film, the name of the movie actually is:
Only picture the title as more of a giant kaleidoscope of moving strobe lights that pregnant women
and smokers aren't allowed to stare at for health reasons. But that's all beside the point.
Batman Begins is about a bunch of Scientologists like Katie Holmes, who (like most
Scientologists would) spend most
of the film dying in isolated rooms surrounded by other Scientologists who make sure they die
from lack of medicine:
"I don't wanna wait, for her liiiife to be o-ver..."
So the good guys in Gotham City, all four of them, are Dianetics-following billionaires
who only travel by dilapidated subway on their
way to getting mugged and killed (I'm serious; the richest people in town all have the habit of taking the subways
to the slums for the purpose of getting killed, and it's never really explained why).
The rest of the 11 million people in the city are
supervillains who escaped from Arkham Asylum. So yes, the point of the movie is that Gotham City
is screwed.
Exactly how screwed is Gotham? Well, Gary Oldman plays the only non-corrupt policeman in town,
Jim Gordon.
Now face it, if GARY OLDMAN is the only good guy in your town,
you're really f@&%'ing screwed. The last time Gary Oldman didn't play a world-dominating
supervillain, Communism was our next biggest threat.
And it just so happens that his ally Batman, whose batmobile actually causes more property damage than 9/11 saw,
is played by the original American Psycho himself
(which isn't such a great sign, either).
"I, Gary Oldman, judge that the vigilante
lynching and burning of this geriatric criminal is the work of a great man."
Think about this: After ONE anthrax attack in NYC where like, one office was hit by an
envelope of anthrax powder, people moved out of the city by the thousands.
At any given time, 100% of Gotham City's population gets hit by insane-man-of-the-week's
homicidal-crazy-gas-of-the-week. Now, in your estimation, is the population of Gotham that
decides NOT to move out, worth saving? Or does their decision to live in harmony with zombies
say something about them?
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