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Toasted Pixel Presents: The REAL Greatest American!

Matt Lauer hosted the Discovery Channel series, the Greatest American, an unncecessarily trite production where Americans voted for the winners. The ultimate winner? Ronald Reagan was voted THE greatest American of all time. We. Disagree. Sure, he founded Reaganomics and ran up the national deficit to an incomprehensible and uncomparable degree like a true champ (never settling for number two). But below are a list of the true greatest Americans.

Runner Up #3: Jesus He even looks like a plump, jolly, Mid-West Blue Collar TV fan. Jesus is a WASP American from the deep south, with long kinky hair like all the rest of the popular icons from the south, like the Allman Brothers. In fact, here he is endorsing the Allman Brothers for a coveted backstage pass: While most believe he's white, and some argue he's black, everyone in America at least agrees that Jesus, descendant of Arimatheans and born in Jerusalem, is by no means Middle Eastern. In fact, he HATES the Middle East and all the people in it, rooting for America to win all its wars and occupations in the region. Just ask any of his true descendants; white guys in suits from Republican states. The Christian God naturalized in 1840, when he invented Manifest Destiny. He currently enjoys beating the crap out of gays, blacks, and the fat foreign exchange student. What, you thought all those Catholic school children learned this behavior on their own? Anyway, try finding another American with this kind of historical pull.

Runner Up #2: Mel Gibson Mel Gibson, the Australian actor, has been more American heroes than Discovery Channel's entire list. He's been a Patriot who won us our independence, a whole bunch of Vietnam heroes, a Lethal Weapon supercop (who took on South Africa AND China, when both countries spent some time in Los Angeles), a Conspiracy Theory expert (who saved the country from Patrick Stewart), Captain John Smith himself, and an American priest who saves us from alien invasions. Ronald Reagon successfully saved us from the threat of many Medicare facilities, but he still has some measuring up to do.

Runner Up #1: Tony Blair Tony Blair is the United States' Viceroy in England. His job is to implement our policies in Britain, drafting its citizens to fight in our invasion efforts. And we gotta say, he's been doing a fantastic job of just that. Our country wouldn't be the same without his obedient leadership, which allows us to use Britain's natural resources. This is a very important job, since England is our most important colony. It's our "Jewel of the Crown," you might say. Sure, we send England most of our debtors and other penniless students, but we don't foresee such a small colony talking back or revolting against the biggest empire in the world for its independence. Some argue Blair's not actually American. To those who would argue that, well, aren't you being a bit naive?

The All-Time Greatest American: The Ghost of Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan may not have been all that great when he was alive, but as a ghost, his baleful hand and chain-shaking attitude has scared many a Scrooge-like world leader into submission. This explains the baffling, unreasonable military and domestic actions by Presidents of the past two decades. He KNOWS things, and is shaping our country accordingly. He also personally led an army of oathbreakers to save the kingdom of the West. His past as a court pledge-breaking Oliver North collaborator placed him firmly at the head of this inner mountain kingdom, where he growled and threw skulls at stewards and non-royal leaders who tried to rouse his might. Reagan's ghost will welcome an immigrating Alien Nation to live among us and be defended by James Caan and Mandy Patinkin, which is a much bigger feat than you may imagine.

Honorable Mentions: The Greatest American Hero Balky of Perfect Strangers, who embodies the American spirit Pumpkinhead, who's not afraid to dole out some country justice Lance Henriksen in anything else he's been in (face it, he's Scifi's Dick Cheney)