The Scientology Orientation Video was covertly recorded by a very brave soul, since Scientologists
have been known to be a pretty murderous bunch, and many Bothans probably died to give us this information.
Despite the seriousness of the circumstances in which the video was recorded, the video itself
just starts off as a pretty hilarious example of "Oh hello, viewer! Welcome to my
home! I wasn't expecting you!" type of narration. That type of narrating is, after all,
the most effective way to get through
to people with five-year-old mentalities or Tom Cruise. The video content itself is pretty amusing
if you can get by the "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE THEY BLEW IT ALL UP THOSE BASTARDS THEY BLEW IT ALL UP
NOW WE'RE RULED BY APES"
factor which will push to front of your brain during every scene of this. Enjoy it!
The video starts off semi-normally and just kind of quirky (don't worry, this will change very shortly).
First, the narrator appears, and amicably tells you terrifying things
like "Scientology was designed for you, and all you hold dear" which is sort of true
if you think about everything they take which you hold dear.
They explain this topic seriously while
you see the image of a Moses guy holding a monkey.
Then, things start to get weird when the narrator
asks Mr. Norman Starkey (Trustee of L. Ron Hubbard's estate) why the government has been trying to investigate
Scientology and Dianetics:
Starkey: "The government knew that it worked, and wanted it for themselves, to monopolize the field of the mind."
Narrator: "Why should the government be concerned about that?"
Starkey: "The government has been spending millions of dollars experimenting with mind control.
All in a grand scheme to make men more suggestible. But Dianetics could undo their efforts to
bend men's minds... and brainwash them."
Narrator: "Ah."
Starkey: "They were very frightened of him because with Dianetics, he could nullify their tactics."
Narrator: "So what did Ron do?"
Starkey: "He exposed the government plan in his next book, Science of Survival. And incidentally,
he was the very first to expose what has since become known as the infamous 'Mind Control Program.'"
Heavy. Well, I certainly hate that government mind control, which incidentally is a horrendous failure if Clinton
is President and can't mind control enough people to get his Vice President elected over George W.
If that's the result of Dianetics, then I f*&$'ing HATE Dianetics.
Anyway, next stop on the tour is the Public Executive Secretary.
Narrator: "Could you tell us where Dianetics fits in?"
Public Executive Secretary: "Dianetics burst upon the world and reformed the field of mental health."
I didn't know that. Let's table that for the moment, because oh man it's going to come up a lot.
Next stop is the
"LRH Communicator," whose job is impressively unclear. We'll spare you the details, but most of the conversation
is just as enlightening as this amazingly insightful snippet:
The LRH Communicator: "'Founder' means 'originator' or 'author.'"
Narrator: "Ah, I see."
When we say you're spared details, we mean s#!* like that. Enough. Okay, things are about to
get seriously what-the-hell, but first, a quick word on the next bit. The narrator comments on
the hierarchy of Scientology, which is when we see this tiny font list of Scientology levels (each
of which you have to pay handsomely to get to) which just keeps, on, scrolling up as the narrator talks.
And then we wonder just how much freakin' money freedom costs. But enough of this, on to the absolutely
wackiest part so far.
Meet the Director of Processing. He handles "Audits," which are "intensive training." Sounds vague, but
we took the liberty of traveling to the Florida Scientology compound covertly and taking their tour, where
we learned about intensive training. We still don't know a lot about it because we turned around and ran
as fast as we could away from the compound after we learned a little. Basically, the part we saw involved being
strapped to a machine that "measured our brainwaves," with the tour guide explaining she was going to change our
brainwave patterns right before she offered us the "special lunch" they prepared for us. Yes, she laughed saying,
"RUNNING AWAY, are you?" as we fled the compound at full speed. We digress.
Auditing. So the charts this guys shows have personality traits at the top,
and how high they appear on the graph before and after intensive training.
Since the line appears higher
on the chart after training, statistics once again PROVE people get smarter and not dead when they become
Scientologists. But then...
Ok, now remember when I said things were going to get wacky?
Click here for page two of the wacky.
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