The Crow: Wicked Prayer is beyond confusing or bad. It is indescribable. It
will disorient you and make you easier prey for wolves. Deceased people have come back
from the dead to warn us against it. It kills off simpler life forms if you introduce it
to a new ecosystem. If you watch it, you can blame it entirely for your new drug problems.
(Warnings: spoiler review, and the mpg videos are generally 1MB in size each)
Our hero, distracted from the movie plot by a colorful bug zapper.
The movie stars a character named Jimmy "Tanto" Furlong, a Latin American who lives on an Indian
Reservation. He also happens to be played by the whitest man in America, Edward Furlong from
Terminator 2, for reasons unknown to anthropologists of the future. If you
haven't chewed your own foot off yet, the rest of the cast is as follows:
Dennis Hopper plays a gangsta rapper in a fur coat who always refers to people as "G," "Shorty," or
"Crackerjack." He's also a Satanic priest in the movie and marries Lucifer to Tara Reid.
Click here to see video of him give Satanic nuptuals
as a rapper.
Click here or the image above to watch Dennis Hopper give nuptuals to
Satan and his confused girlfriend.
David Boreanaz (of the show Angel) plays Death, one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
He also happens to play Satan in the movie (shrug). He's also a guy in fishnet spandex
who bakes a pink cake for the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse to cheer them up.
Evil is creepy!
Anyway, you can
watch him in action as Satan, and you can
feel sorry for Tara Reid who has to sit in the car with him for the next hour.
Click here or the image above to watch the best acting in the world.
Tara Reid plays a last minute addition to the film that the producers had no idea what to do with.
She plays a witch, an eye thief, the exposition giver, Satan's wife, a mask-wearing druggie, and
here's a speech she gives that explains some of the plot
(warning: video is 4.51 megs). Watch it if you want to know exactly how much sense this movie makes.
Click here for a story to tell your grandkids.
Macy Gray is in the movie. Macy freaking Gray plays a whorehouse mom who shows up waving guns
and gets shot and dies as soon as she enters the frame.
Click here to see most of her contribution to the movie.
Click here to see Macy Gray save Satan's wedding.
Still with us? On the following page,
we try to describe the basic plot. Now's a good
time to put your affairs in order.
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