The Plot
This is going to be tough to explain, because the movie itself doesn't know its own plot.
The back of the DVD box says, "Just as ex-con Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) tries to straighten
out his life, he and his girlfriend Lily are brutally murdered in a satanic ritual by a renegade
biker gang." However, I don't know where that's coming from, as there aren't any renegade biker gangs
or, for that matter, any biker gangs or motorcycles period, in
the movie. The people who were tasked with writing the film summary basically threw up their hands
and made up something because they couldn't make sense of anything they saw. So, to improve on that,
we'll have to try and describe the few acts in the film that we can describe in actual words.
The movie starts with the celebratory unveiling of the site for a new Casino Resort.
The celebration begins with the main character's girlfriend giving the opening speech
while apparently imitating the demon Samara from The Ring. And her speech is the ONLY
good speech you should EVER use to celebrate a new resort's construction:
The site is unveiled, the audience applauds, and she steps up to the microphone... and
tells the entire audience the plot of the original movie The Crow, starring
Brandon Lee:
" ...We are told
that when someone dies, the crow carries their soul to the land of the
dead. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul
back, to release it of its burden..."
I'd go to more official unveiling ceremonies if I knew the keynote speaker would simply describe
episodes of Mama's Family or random horror movies. I mean, wouldn't you?
After this sequence, we see Edward Furlong and his Native American girlfriend interact for the
first time, and dialogue that sets the stage for cinematic and psychiatric history begins. Here's
a block of it that will make you question your English capabilities:
EDWARD FURLING (CUERVO): You put too much faith in people.
LILY: I believe in a lot of things. Even you, Jimmy Cuervo.
CUERVO: I am what I am.
LILY: If you want to escape from here, you gotta let it go. You gotta
let it all go.
CUERVO: I can't. Not without you.
LILY: Now, that kind of belief will get you locked up.
CUERVO: Set me free, Warden.
LILY: You know what time I get off. Don't be late.
CUERVO: Lily. I'm gonna let it all go. (to the Native American) I swear
on your perfect blue eyes.
It was at this point that I realized I was in trouble. Actually, back up. I didn't
go over the opening credit sequence yet.
The opening credit sequence introduces us to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,
As each character enters the movie, the film freezes on their image, and throws baffling messages
at us to tell us about them:
I've always associated cowboy hat-wearing blue-collar Asian Apocalypse Horsemen
with apologies. Stop looking at me like that.
David Boreanaz, as Death, takes the Four Horsemen to kill Edward Furlong and his girlfriend
by hanging them (at the girlfriend's store, the biggest store in town; a live scorpion emporium).
When Furlong is standing in the noose, they punch him out, and he actually
hangs there unconscious from the noose for a few minutes until they slap him awake to kick the
chair out from under him to kill him. I'll let you think about that for a minute.
After the murders, the Four Horsemen go back to their hideout, where David Boreanaz serves
the other Horsemen hors d'oeuvres from presumably evil serving trays.
Death takes a holiday from the kitchen.
Meanwhile, the Crow resurrects Edward Furlong, who comes to realize that he was killed in an extended
flashback sequence that shows the entire murder scene that we just saw.
Coming back for revenge, Edward Furlong starts killing off the Four Horsemen each in turn through various means
that rewrite the laws of physics themselves.
For example, he kills Pestilence by pushing him into an outdoor bug zapper insect receptacle tray:
Kills bugs and HORSEMEN!
This electrocutes Pestilence
and simultaneously forms an ashen image of a crow around the scene, which makes sense:
The Tiki Torches were also courtesy of Hell.
At this point, it should be mentioned that Edward Furlong's character is being hounded by the local
police. He was acquitted of a crime against a Native American, and the locals have been looking to arrest
him for something ever since. Oh, and we eventually find out the crime he was acquitted for: killing a Native
American who was raping a woman in the middle of an outdoor tuxedo party. Those crazy Native American customs!
However, no matter how many policemen and local citizens the Four Horsemen murder in plain site of the entire
town, NOTHING they do can get the attention of the town or its police, who are hell bent on pinning some of the
crimes on Eddie Furlong. Even when the Horsemen kill everyone at a wedding (where the
bridesmaids wear alien antennae hats and bartender vests for reasons never explained), the town elders respond
by having an emergency meeting about Furlong while wearing war paint and sitting around a casino table. Because
they do that sort of thing.
Well, we won't give too much more of the plot away (it's a nailbiter!). We'll just tell you that it involves
the tragic deaths of a few people and piñatas, and Edward Furlong chatting with Death/Satan at a cool party.
Maybe it's the wine, but I feel like embracing Death...
Oh, you!
Well, they do eventually fight, although I won't give away the outcome. But I will say that it's
one of the most brilliantly (or maybe just gutsy) scripted fight scenes we've ever seen:
"I'm ad-libbing!"
There's a lot more to the movie, like Danny Trejo dancing an Irish jig with the entire town
to revive a dying crow, but you'll have to see the movie for that bit of magic.
By the way, if after reading this, you can't live without owning this movie, here:
And then it will show up as evidence at your trial in some form or another.
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