"Don't ask me!"
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Title:
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Hellraiser: Deader
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Premise:
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None.
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Plot:
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None.
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There is no point in trying to explain anything that happens in Hellraiser: Deader,
for the simple reason that nothing explainable happens for the 88 minutes it plays.
No two lines of dialogue make sense next to each other. Here's your one clip that alone
can be a review of the film's quality. It's a line delivered with much seriousness and melodramatic music,
but you'll a hard time deciphering it. Why?
Click here to see proof that the public school system has failed.
The reason you can't decipher that is simple: the line he's saying is:
"The more she doubts, the DEADER she becomes."
Was this ESL movie script writing as a second language? Was the script
handed over to four-year-olds who couldn't grasp basic proper English or a dictionary?
As usual, we have more traditional review elements below for you.
The official description of the movie on the back of the DVD box says:
"Once again, the ultimate evil - the dreaded Pinhead - leads an
army of the dead who come back to life with a bloodthirsty vengeance!"
--none of which happens in the movie.
Now, we weren't kidding when we said no dialogue makes any sense in the film.
Here's a snippet between two of the main characters.
We hypothesize that each line was written by a different person, and no two people saw each other's line:
AMY (Zombie in Training): What is happening to me?
MARLA (Zombie): You're dying, like me. Come on, let's go.
AMY: Where?
MARLA: That's for you to decide.
AMY: Marla, look at me. I just want to go home.
MARLA: Amy. You are home.
AMY: Marla, wait, where are we going?
MARLA: Home. You said you wanted to go home.
AMY: Marla, what happened to you?
MARLA: Think of it this way. An hour ago, I stabbed you in the heart, yet you're still walking around. Isn't that a bit unusual?
AMY: (After looking up in deep thought for about five seconds) Yes.
MARLA: Why aren't you dead, Amy?
AMY: Why aren't I? I don't know.
MARLA: Because when it's dark enough, there's no such thing.
*@$&^#!'ing brilliant.
The movie also has crazy notions about real life. Below is a clip of the main character getting on a train
in Budapest. According to the film, it's just accepted that a train going through Budapest's equivalent
of Grand Central Station is just going to be like this...
Click here to see something plausible.
There are also piles of dead bodies and people hanging from hooks on the train, those crazy Hungarians!
However, if you just read all this and have to see how
the main character talks her way out of being strapped to an insane asylum bed (she says "please?"
to her attending doctor; who could resist that?), here:
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