Updating Every Weekday Unless Something Horrible Happens to Me

Toasted Pixel Presents: The Film History of People Who Get Beheaded But Their Bodies Still Want to Walk Around and Move For a While

Like the mighty dinosaurs, we humans have two brains. The brain in our heads, and the brain in our bodies whose only purpose is to yell "Oh crap I've been beheaded!" and command your limbs to continue moving until you die. Below is a primer on how that works, courtesy of Hollywood. Enjoy.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) (mpg size: 1.18 MB) Notable act by the beheaded body: Begins screaming after the head falls off. Wow. This movie was written by Roger freakin' Ebert. That means that scene above was conceived in the brain of Roger Ebert and he thought it was good enough to write down and show other people. He thought it was so good that we should be introduced to the man below who declares himself the female "Supergirl." Roger Ebert judges the movies other people make as not very good.

Witchboard (1986) (mpg size: 923 KB) Notable act by the beheaded body: Tries to defend the head a little too late. This movie, which once again proves that Hollywood is afraid of everything on earth it hears of offhand at a party, is about the evils and undead murderers that a department store cardboard Ouija board can bring into your life. More importantly, though, it shows the importance of the "find your head" timer. Over millions of years, evolution has developed a small but critical "find your head" survival timer. This is the amount of time your beheaded body has to implore your beheader for mercy and for your arms to search for your head and put it back on. If it succeeds, you live. To date, though, only actor Crispin Glover of Back to the Future and Charlie's Angels has been able to accomplish this task in time, at great price to his soul and general appearance.

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove (2005) (mpg size: 862 KB) Notable act by the beheaded body: Plays the mime "I'm in a box" act. Sometimes, your brain wants to go to college, but your body just wants to DANCE. Only when it's free of the constraints of your intolerant brain will it be able to perform Vaudeville. Of course, Jolly Roger is about more than just that. It's a movie about a ghost pirate who comes back from the grave to wreak revenge upon the descendants of the pirates who betrayed him and took his treasure. He's relentless in his pursuit, cutting through the entire population of the small town at a break-neck pace. The vengeful ghost pirate only pauses to go to a strip club and get a lap dance. (Warning: NSFW, unlike the other videos here of people getting their heads cut off mpg size: 1.34 MB)

Savage Planet (2006) (mpg size: 1.34 MB) Notable act by the beheaded body: Turns left, accomplishing more than Zoolander himself can do, before walking a bit and then bringing up his hands to cushion his fall. Without a brain, how is the body to know how it's supposed to die? It just doesn't. Savage Planet's alien monster bears sometimes kill people way too fast in this film for the victims to catch on in time. So there we are. We hope you learned something about beheadings today. If not, we hope your body did. If not, then we hope we encouraged you to stay away from working in strip joints if your ancestors stole gold from a pirate.