Watching Alone in the Dark will lower your SAT score.
Your reflexes will numb, and your pets will think less of you.
Our troops will have a worse chance
in the Iraqi war if they watch this, and we must endeavor to keep it out of their hands.
To give you an idea of how well this scores on the intelligence scale, Tara Reid
plays the most brilliant person in the film. Her role is of a North and South American geography
and culture expert.
Unfortunately, she doesn't actually know how to pronounce any of the places on the map she's an expert on:
How do you say 'Newfoundland?'
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Her character is fluent in dead Native American tongues, and
she reads Native American carvings throughout the movie.
However, according to the film, Native Americans are apparently flaming idiots when it comes to writing or
sequential logic:
I sure hope this was just mistranslated.
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Christian Slater plays a paranormal investigator who can see spirits in the darkness that we can't,
although none of that actually comes up in the movie.
His character represents the great rift between the director and the special effects crew, who don't realize
that if his bullets widely miss the zombie he's shooting, the zombie probably shouldn't get killed by
said bullets:
"Call my bullet effect fake-looking, will you?"
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So yeah, there are zombies and demons from hell in the film, by the way.
The movie also stars Steven Dorff (from Blade and Cecil B. DeMented)
as America's greatest special ops commando.
However, if America does happen to someday discover
an ancient portal to hell, I sure hope our best and brightest soldiers can figure out more to do about it than
he does:
I hope he has enough bullets to destroy, you know, hell.
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From the very first moment the film starts, you realize just how much trouble you're in for.
Below we have a film clip showing the entire opening sequence of scrolling text exposition.
At a whopping FIFTEEN MEGABYTES,
we guarantee it will be the longest video clip you will ever see on this site, as the text goes
on and on about eight different plots involving everything from government experiments to Native
Americans, none of which has any bearing on the movie. You could watch the entire film without having
seen any of this text, and still be as baffled as someone who has. In fact, if you start reading the text,
you'll probably become perplexed, mull over the entirely disparate information you're being bombarded by, and
later realize that the text is still scrolling:
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Click here for page 2 of the review: the "plot," we think...
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