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Toasted Pixel Presents:
In Honor of Pulse
The Film History of the Afterlife Residing in Appliances
(Part II of II)

(Click here to return to Part I)

I Downloaded a Ghost (2004)

This film stars Ellen Page of X-Men 3 Sucks, or X-Men: The Last Stand as it's known in the states. In this delightful children's story, Page wants to create a great haunted house. So she starts scouring the Internet, looking for sites on ghosts, when she comes across "Ghosts Are Us," where you can download a human soul.

Luckily for Page, a man dies a horrible death across town when he gets hit by a bus, and the Ghosts Are Us site uses a cute animation to show that his soul is being robbed of his intended afterlife in Heaven as he's being scanned into her home PC. Notice how the site also allows you to trade, sell, or rent human souls as well. That's called a good business model.

This is all quite funny to watch, especially since the man's soul is clearly suffering a lot in the process of being traded in an effort to increase site membership.

Both the ghost and Page's lives get turned upside down, because the ghost has no interest in the haunted house, and his one regret about getting hit by a bus and dying is that this may hurt his chances of becoming a successful standup comedian.

There's a whole plot about evil robbers and rich tycoons trafficking stolen artifacts that takes up most of the film, but frankly, that's not very important. The important thing is, the ghost eventually comes to terms with the fact that in America, he's just a commodity, and that his immortal soul has no hope unless he participates in the economics of soul trafficking that he was pulled into. Helping both himself and Page, he realizes that he must be her haunted house attraction after all, and he starts doing stand up comedy for guests coming to the house.

This wins Page the first place for haunted houses. Yay!

More importantly, though, once he acknowledges that the free market's laws are paramount, and he performs his proper duty as a purchased slave soul, only then does he get to go to Heaven.

I love children's stories.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Hellraiser films have grown beyond their own control. At this point, someone could pitch Hellraiser: Wombat Limbo and it'd be sure to at least get Jerry O'Connell attached to the project. In any case, Hellworld is about an online video game that's so awesome, people dedicate their entire lives to playing it. One boy already dies over it, and a year later, the game shows no sign of slowing down in popularity. And once you see the game in action, there's no mystery as to why it's enthralled so many hardcore gamers.

See what passes for entertainment these days.
(mpg size: 1.52 MB)

I guess I'd kill myself too if I played that all day long. Anyway, if you finish the "Hellworld" game, it opens a portal to hell that makes you susceptible to Pinhead and other demons' torment.

See, that's why it's online. If it was just played locally, it couldn't open a connection to the hell address, where hell customer service could screw up taking your information and send your neighbors straight to hell like you deserved. Life is unfair.

Well, I hope this feature was able to teach you the nature of the afterlife. YOU ARE NOTHING. The afterlife is decided by supply and demand, and even if you successfully use the Internet to sell your afterlife wares like Satan does, you'll still apparently be so poor that you'll have to use Microsoft Paint to make your site's game graphics. DESPAIR. Hellworld!

Click here to return to Part I

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