Now, we try to describe the plot of the film. We can't emphasize enough just how difficult
it is to think of the film and stay rational, since anyone who comes in contact with the film magically
loses the ability to spell. This is evidenced by the Alone in the Dark DVD's inability to
spell the film director's name, Uwe Boll:
In film terms, this is called "foreshadowing"
But we'll give it a try. After the longest introductory scrolling text sequence in history,
we flash back to "22 years ago." There,
we meet a woman in charge of an orphanage:
Once we find out the orphans are being tested on in science experiments, we fast forward to
22 years later, the present, where we see the producers didn't see fit to change the orphanage woman's
makeup to show any passage of time:
There she is in the present day, having just been killed,
somehow looking better old and dead than she did alive 22 years ago.
In between a lot of exposition, Tara Reid and
Christian Slater meet in the film and have the most random, awkward love scene imaginable out of nowhere.
The music which accompanies this love scene between two of the whitest actors in America in a zombie attack film is - naturally -
a song protesting racism
(click here to hear it).
"It doesn't matter that I'm white, and you're... white."
(mpg size: 1.89 MB)
Huh?
Well, here's more of it. Enjoy.
"Seven seconds?" That's it?
(mpg size: 1.02 MB)
Then they get attacked by zombies and demons in Slater's apartment.
At this point, it should be pointed out that Christian Slater's
apartment is the nuttiest setting since Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. His bedroom is
approximately 38 square acres, filled from dirt floor to stadium ceiling with stairways leading nowhere,
industrial elevator cage doors with nothing behind them, and giant crates. The demons actually get lost trying
to find Slater in the mess.
Here's Christian Slater pushing down a zombie that broke into his apartment:
In that pic, you probably noticed that
there's an SUV parked in his bedroom. It's not Slater or Reid's car, as theirs is
a Volkswagen Beetle they keep parked outside.
This is just a giant truck that someone happened to leave on top of his stairway.
And now, the trouble really begins. Tara Reid and Christian Slater
exchange a gem of a dialogue sequence, and then, for no reason, the scene goes black, Christian Slater
swears in anticipation of the movie madness about to follow, and the entire rest of the film
is told in ADD-style, death-metal seizure-vision:
It's ok to look confused
(mpg size: 1.52 MB)
From this point on, the film has trouble coming to terms with itself.
It somehow can't even maintain object permanence.
For instance, in one scene, two civilian helicopters take off with soldiers onboard.
In their next shot, they magically become military helicopters with machine guns and rockets all over them.
After a few hours of demons and soldiers shooting each other, Stephen Dorff tosses a grenade at the
portal to hell, destroying it and and the entire abandoned gold mine it was in (an abandoned gold mine in the
city, that is).
But we're not done with the movie yet. Christian Slater and Tara Reid emerge from the hell portal underground,
and find the city above completely deserted. Slater is the narrator here, saying:
"The Abkani people were wiped off the face of the earth.
And now... it looks like it's happening all over again."
However, he only said that because he didn't read the subtitles clearly displayed on the screen:
So we've determined now that neither Tara Reid nor Christian Slater can read.
Not having seen the subtitles we saw, he becomes the uninformed narrator, basically saying, "Well, I
guess this happened..."
Well, we hope you enjoyed the explanation of the film.
And to be fair, we'll give the sagacious Christian Slater the last word. The last, awkward, grasping
at staws, word...
(mpg size: 1.52 MB)
Read the review and can't live without seeing Christian Slater say,
"That cab's been following us ever since we left the airport," one minute after he gets in a cab
and is still on the main road coming from the terminal? Then here!
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