The winner of the "Most Photoshopped-Looking Publicity Photo"
Now, to the music. There's a lot of music talk on Steven Seagal's website, none of which
relates to earth, since it appears only alien technology can decipher this schizophrenic experiment
on the kung-fu fan public. Take, for instance, this little tidbit from the
"CURRENT NEWS" page:
Let's try to break this down:
When it comes to surprises, Goodies of Goodies Music Production has a lot in his basket.
To say Goodies' achievements are impressive would be an understatement.
He is arguably Ghana's successful producer.
Remember, this is somehow current news about Steven Seagal. Apparently,
nothing happened in proper English in his recent life, and a man named Goodies
is tied to him so closely that any fan of Under Siege should know who he is.
However, assuming for now that Ghana does arguably have a producer (huh?), let's
try to unravel the rest of the message:
Talk of VIP, Tic Tac and Sidney, they continue to reign in Ghana as crowds shower them with
much deserved praises for having put Ghana on the map and representing them so well.
They are still enjoying the limelight as the focus remains on their every move.
This time round, Goodies has made it again as VIP, Tic Tac and Sidney will be collaborating with
American Superstar actor and reggae artiste Steven Seagal.
This is the first mention of Steven Seagal on this page, but by now our minds are reeling at the news
that we only know about the country of Ghana because of VIP, Tic Tac and Sidney, whoever they are.
Now, the claim here is that Seagal is reggae, and
on Steven Seagal's Music Page,
they announce, "Steven Seagal delivers titles to the American ultra consonances (blues, folk) but
also of more directed songs world (ragga, Arab musics)." First off, no, we doubt anyone read or
proofread any of the text on Seagal's entire website before it went live. Second, listening to
his music page
and his MP3 page,
we realize that none of these
statements are true unless Arab music involves a lot of '90s indie boy bands.
Now, there are songs that resemble Dave Matthews' brand of African music, although one could
make the case that these songs aren't as good as the Dave Matthews Band's, even if you hate the
Dave Matthews Band.
Take, for instance,
his imaginatively named song, "Music."
The lyrics basically reenact Lisa Simpson's call to the Cory Line, as Seagal simply tries to come up with
as many words that rhyme with "eee" and then "nation" to make up every lyric, one after another,
for the entire song:
Steven Seagal: "Desperation!"
Backup Chorus: "Desperation!"
Steven Seagal: "Abomination!"
Backup Chorus: "Abomination!"
Steven Seagal: "Immigration!"
Backup Chorus: "Immigration!"
Steven Seagal: "Divination!"
...
Songs like these give us insight into the mind of a triple-threat actor, spiritual master and song writer,
and the fact that he owns a thesaurus.
We'd love to be able to review much more of the site for you, but honestly, not much more of it works.
Seagal's website seems to have been hit by the Internet version of a horrible tractor accident. Pages and their
content seem to have been struck by rabid nano-beasts and bad weather.
Files seem missing, tags and code are broken, and error popups will assault you like kung fu boss characters.
Read this review and can't live without hearing Steven Seagal beg you to stay in his bed all night? Here!
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