House of the Dead, based on the video game of the same name, is as much fun
to watch as your loved ones being eaten by Coach star Craig T. Nelson. In other words,
you won't know whether to feel violated in the worst way or baffled as to why Craig T. Nelson
is eating your relatives. The script seems to have been written as an act of revenge against director Uwe Boll
and people.
The best example of writing and acting (ironic statement, ha!) in the film is the most dramatic scene
where the hero is captured by the zombified villain, and asks the most relevant question of all: Why would
anyone want to be immortal?
Click here for the question that demands a good answer.
(Windows Media Video size: 1.65 MB)
Notice that the villain had to think about that for a minute.
But let's back up and go over this story from the beginning. It starts out with the central character
describing why he broke up with his ex, which begins to tells you how much the zombie writers understood
about how actual living humans act:
Click here to see the number one cause of divorce.
(mpg size: 619 KB)
After we're introduced to the main characters, they get attacked by zombies on an island (thus concludes the
plot summary). At one point, they decide to cross a 100-foot cemetery to get to a house they hope is safe.
The scene which follows is a TEN MINUTE action sequence of the characters shooting guns at the same five zombie
extras over and over.
The action here occasionally gets as exciting as this:
Click here to see just how exciting standing in one spot can be.
(mpg size: 801 KB)
Whenever some characters die, there's an extended flashback sequence involving EVERY SCENE they were in.
This makes the film even more baffling to watch, as (impossible though it may be) more of the film is a
flashback than new footage. Here we see the main character's current girlfriend die, and the cinematic
seizure which follows is sure to destroy anyone's blood pressure rating.
Click here to see the entire film in 20 seconds.
(mpg size: 4.61 MB)
To save money perhaps, Uwe Boll decided to use actual game footage from the 1998 video game for some
of the action sequences. Thus, he devoted the most amount of awkward, obviously misplaced,
uncomfortable-to-watch efforts in history towards attempting to create
the most seamless scene of people walking down the hall, with this result:
Click here to see special effects Spielberg would use after blows to the head.
(mpg size: 864 KB)
Notice that you can see the "PRESS START BUTTON" Sega Dreamcast
message at the bottom of the screen in those zombie shots:
The film's climax involves the main character's ex getting stabbed through the chest with a sword, and her
getting up and looking understandably irate about it.
And then, we have the scene which confirms just how awesome and pop culture cool the movie has been, with the
corresponding headless zombie fainting scene:
Click here to hear a line that's only better than 007 film one-liners.
(mpg size: 701 KB)
There's a twist ending to the movie that will make infomercials look like they have twist endings by
comparison, but that's for you to discover.
Read the review and can't live without seeing a group of ravers kung fu fight while holding guns? Here!
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