I thought this would be a movie about sea monsters; at least, the DVD description promised it would be. It's actually randomly edited footage from completely different home movies, none of which has dialogue that makes sense in any context. Here's a clip from the film of two people who are trying to communicate something which is a mystery to us and computers alike:
The biggest problem with the movie, made by aliens, is its take on human logistics. Here, we see the main character being interviewed for TV news, as the mayor and some old guy watches. But if someone is being interviewed by a cameraman for TV news, it's probably a good idea to have a cameraman, or at least a camera. As it is, they're just talking to nobody in the middle of the street:
And it doesn't just take liberties on esoteric sciences like TV news that no one has heard of; Aquanoids has an interesting take on everything under the sun. Take combat, for instance, between this sheriff with a gun, and this girl. He decided to take her out on a boat and kill her by pulling her hair, and then the fight sort of degenerates into, well, I don't know:
I gotta admit that they don't have much to work with, though. For their car chase scenes, they couldn't afford cars, or a more expensive Casio machine for the chase music, but they do have this rockin' action sequence and intense accompanying soundtrack:
The best thing about Aquanoids is the fact that they were willing to try anything to make the film happen. Even hire actors to read cue cards that they can't understand.
There's director commentary on the Aquanoids DVD. It's a gem. It explains a lot, between the plethora of minute-long silences that explain nothing (and by silence, I mean no tracks of sound are running at all, not even the movie's in the background). For instance, they explain that they let this guy below write all his own lines. However, since he doesn't have any dialogue with any other characters, ever, you have to wonder why they gave him scenes, lines, and his own wannabe Hindi theme music:
The director also says things like, "His acting was so over-the-top, that it almost is campy." Yes, almost. This film which has a naked woman giving birth to a chicken was in danger of being campy, if not for the work of the fearless crew (warning, next clip NSFW):
And you may ask yourself, why is she naked? No reason, no explanation. She had a top on when she came in. Anyway, possibly the best explanation of how imaginative this film is, comes when the two main characters are trying to come up with the final design for their "Dangerous Waters!" signs. They sit in front of a multi-monitor Photoshop setup and work on it for about 24 hours of the film.
When they finally finish their work, they ask for each other's thoughts, and they both agree that this graphic design is the best they can come up with:
This miasma of creativity knows no bounds, and the script, acting, cinematography of the ocean, and understanding of the English language can all be summed up by this clip of passion and romance.
Sorry.
Read the review and can't live without seeing the old man pretend to jerk off while digging through the naked reporter woman's bag looking for a videotape? Here!
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