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The Daily Toast    October 1, 2004

British Ghost Is Boring Ass Shit

London, England- The late Duke William Holden has been passively haunting his castle estate near London, England, since his death in 1905. The castle, now a museum, has had many visitors claim to see the indolent Duke still falling asleep in his favorite chair, looking out the window while smoking a pipe, and reading official letters at his opulent desk. "I've seen him twice," said the visibly un-shaken curator, Martin Banks. "Once it looked like he had trouble reading his pocket watch."
    "He looked like he was drinking tea," said nine-year-old visitor Jake Thomas from Arkansas. "He just sat there," he added, disappointed. "Like, I thought ghosts were supposed to be scary and cool."

Debate Viewers Agree: "Kerry Lectured, but George Bush Talked to the Simple, Simple People"

    "People don't tune in to a debate to hear candidates spew a whole list of facts and figures. We don't want a history lecture," says Bobby Nivens, an Oklahoma Republican who watched the debate. "We want to see someone real, who talks to us like anyone would. As if he wasn't expecting to be in a Presidential debate at all. The way Bush paused and stuttered nervously before answering any question, the way he still said 'nu-cu-lar,' the way he kept announcing how we were going to go and kill lots of foreigners, he truly sounded candid and uncoached."
    "The world knew after watching that debate that America is about a simple plan of attack, and that the plan literally consists of 'attack.'" said Holly Jackson, one of the President's spin doctors. "We don't want to bore the masses with Kerry's talk of 'exit strategies,' or quotes from generals or other Bush Presidents saying that the war plan in place is a horrible idea."

America Demands Larger Annual Tributes from Other Countries

    After the Hawkmen's generous tribute of ice, President Bush was visibly agitated by Ethiopia's lack of a tribute. The Prince of Ethiopia, seeing the President's dismay, stepped forward towards Bush's throne at Ming's palace to explain. "We, the people of Ethiopia, have suffered since you forced our kingdom into your Iraqi war, and ruin! I can offer you nothing this year except my loyalty."
    Bush seemed at first to be pleased by this explanation. "Prince. We prize nothing more highly. And tell us, how great is this loyalty to the United States of America?"
    Relieved at the lack of anger, the Prince responded, "Without measure."
    With a sly look, Bush said, "We are delighted to hear it! Fall on your sword."
    The smile disappeared completely from the Prince's face. He turned his back to Bush, but edged closer to the President as he announced, "Let my act be an example to all!" Secretary Colin Powell, with his stern, iron mask expression, stepped deftly between the Prince and the President. Raising his sword, the Prince yelled, "Death to Bush!" As the Prince turned around to impale the President, Powell fatally stabbed the Prince with a dagger.
    The remaining tributes continued without incident.

Bush Announces the Creation of Bold New Anti-Terrorist Movement, the "George Bush Youths"

    Encouraging all children to "take their place at my side," Bush described how every parent should be proud to enroll their child into the Boy Scout-type program that would teach family values, religious lessons, and how to listen for any signs of treachery or dissent. "Anyone you know could be a potential terrorist, plotting to overthrow the American way of life and current President. Even your parents could be considering a vote against your good Uncle Bush." Bush also declared amnesty to any minors in juvenile detention halls around the country, so long as they join the new youth group. Any terrorists discovered via George Bush Youths would be dealt with "swiftly, silently."

Diet and Exercise Fail Somehow

    "When diet and exercise fail, try Prepcid, the breakthrough cholesterol and weight-loss pill," announced Julia McCole, Prepcid's PR manager, at a press conference. "Look at Michael here. When he first realized he was overweight, he started walking three miles a day, ate only salad and fish, and went to the gym three times a week. He gained 200 pounds of fat since then. He is just one of millions who tried diet and exercise, and realized it just didn't work for them."
    "I became vegetarian, using only olive oil and fresh vegetables," said Paul West, a business analyst. "I also started biking to work. My gut started growing from the day I began those changes. I need Prepcid."
    "If you just don't exercise much, this isn't for you," continued McCole. "Our product is by no means aimed at lazy people who want a short cut. Diet, exercise, and get some fresh air. If you're still a fat-ass after a strict regimen of healthy foods and physical activity, then you know Prepcid is for you."
    "I knew it was a fifty-fifty thing, this 'exercise,'" said a disgruntled, obese gym member. "These gyms promise results if you diligently do weekly strength training and fat-burning exercises. But I suspected the truth. Yeah, after two years of rigorous training, exercise sure failed. We need to get the word out on this exercising scam."