Toasted Pixel's 2004 Election Coverage:
How Supervillains Are Voting	How Superheroes Are Voting	The Intergalactic Elections	First Presidential Debate Results	Final Presidential Debate Results	Time's Almost Up	Ante Up

The Daily Toast October 10, 2004

Cheney Vows to Open the Draft to Foreigners

Washington, D.C.-

    On the heels of Bush's proposed bill to draft men, women, and conscientious objectors, Cheney submitted another proposal to begin drafting foreigners.
    "No longer will being born in Canada be an excuse to dodge the draft," said Cheney.
    "Foreigners will finally start pulling their weight in this coalition. Not joining our alliance in Iraq, voting against our invasions, and proposing 'War Crimes Courts' are insults we will no longer tolerate.
    Cheney, starting to turn away from the podium after his speech, turned back to the microphone to quickly add, "Mark my words, we WILL make you answer for your draft, even if you previously didn't have to answer to American laws."

Debate Viewers Agree: "Bush Seemed to Know He Was Going to Be in a Debate this Time"

Republican viewers announced a clear Bush victory in the final 2004 Presidential debate, citing, "Bush obviously knew he was going to be in a debate today." Carroll Brent, a Bush spin doctor, stated proudly, "People had various theories on why Bush did so terribly in the first debate. Well, we can safely say that's a moot point now, because Bush clearly won this last round. I mean, did you see that? He actually had ANSWERS to questions! As an isolated President who's not used to hearing dissenting opinions, that's very good. Trust me on that."
Self-proclaimed undecided voter Bill O'Reilly commented, "I haven't seen as good a speaker since World War II. The way he kept loudly slamming his podium repeatedly during every answer, and the way he stuck firmly to his 'Military Victory at All Costs' policies, he was truly inspiring. Hail-worthy."

Babies Protest Being Used in Protests

Two of the thousands of toddlers who traveled to NYC to help end baby protests.

New York, NY-

Babies from all over the country came together, demonstrating against parents who force them to wear protest t-shirts, sandwich boards, and signs they can't understand.
    "I can't possibly understand the issues my parents are making me protest," says Dorothy McCarthy, a Manhattan infant. "Why should I have to literally be the poster child against war?
    "One time, I had to wear a trash can that said, 'Don't Dump On Me!' Assumingly, if they didn't want people to dump on me, my parents wouldn't have dressed me up in a trash can."
    Francis Marrs of Connecticut lamented, "My mom keeps dressing me up in protest signs and yelling, 'Look at my son! Isn't he one cool kid?' This is coming from a mother who named me Francis. She even had the gall to name my brother GAYLORD! If we don't get beat up by the riot police during the protest, we sure as sh*t will get beat up every day by our peers in school! She's not in touch with her own children, but I'm sure she's in touch with exactly what America needs."

Sheriff in a Made-for-TV Lifetime Channel Movie Doesn't Seem to Want to Help a Distraught Mother

     "Listen lady, you may think your daughter has been kidnapped, but we don't have time to handle every runaway case," said Sheriff McClellan. "If your daughter didn't want to live with you, and she snuck away in the middle of the night, then frankly, I don't blame her. Now I have a lot of actual, important cases I have to take care of, ok?"
     Despite the mother's frantic 911 call, Sheriff McClellan refused to send a police car to investigate the missing child. "You got a ransom note? Listen lady, if your daughter is trying to get money to fund her runaway hijinks, and she's faking ransom notes to get you to pay her, then sure, I'll arrest her as soon as she comes back home to you in a drunken haze. But don't bring her drama queen tactics to me, or I'll arrest you for being an accessory to her crime."
     Further attempts by the mother to employ police help were thwarted by McClellan. "You got your daughter's toe in the mail, along with another bloody ransom note? Listen lady, if your coked-up daughter is into self mutilation and torturing her mother to fulfill her goth fantasies, that's totally sick, but that's no reason to ruin my lunch hour! Don't you realize that the only peace I get in my entire day is when I get to eat my meatball sandwich? My wife may be ugly, but she knows how to make a meatball-loving man happy. I only get an hour to enjoy this, and here you come in with your nauseating stories, wasting my time! Lieutenant, get this woman out of my office!"