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The Toasted Pixel 2004 Voting Guide! Part II: The Heroes

	Name: BATMAN Political Alignment: REGISTERED REPUBLICAN Reason: He's in favor of SUV tax breaks; he drives a car so big, it wouldn't even fit on the streets of most countries. And with the funding needs of his fully wireless bat cave, you can bet he'll vote for the biggest tax breaks for his massive business. Batman believes in trickle-down economics, and he would defend priests who keep altar boys in robin costumes around their personal homes and gothic churches. And do you know any other superhero who personally fights eco-terrorists because they oppose his unenvironmental businesses? Batman is basically Henry Kissinger.

	Name: SPIDER-MAN Political Alignment: REGISTERED DEMOCRAT Reason: He has to deal with student payments, part-time jobs, and - most importantly - an endless parade of over-funded, unrealistically idealistic, power-hungry Republican supervillains. If Doctor Octopus didn't enjoy the benefits of pork barrel budgets, perhaps he would've thought of a more economical solution than grafting intelligent, ruthless, indestructible metal arms all over himself. Oh well.

	Name: SUPERMAN Political Alignment: REGISTERED REPUBLICAN Reason: If the world's largest diamond, or the world's largest bank vault, or the largest meeting of world leaders is in trouble, sure, you'll see Superman saving the day. But when's the last time you ever saw Superman protect anyone who made less than $100,000 a year or didn't work for a huge company like the Daily Planet? You think he cares about property taxes or rent stabilization laws while sitting in his fortress in the freakin' North Pole? His closest neighbor is rich enough to manufacture and distribute toys to every child in the world. His concerns are not those of any who have to worry about school scholarships or military benefits.

	Name: CAPTAIN AMERICA Political Alignment: REGISTERED REPUBLICAN Reason: Look at his freakin' suit. Any vegetarian hippy around him is in for an ass-kicking, followed by a lecture on having more faith in our leaders' foreign policies. Captain America is a tool. When he finally grows up, he'll understand that copy of Don Quixote a friend pushed on him in college.

	Name: WONDER WOMAN Political Alignment: REGISTERED REPUBLICAN Reason: Wonder Woman is Amazonian. And if you believe Greek Mythology, the Hera-worshipping Amazons actually came from the area now known as Turkey. And yet, despite her apparently South American origin, and mythical roots in the Middle East, she STILL chooses to be a pale, light-eyed Western European Caucasian! HOW?! This determination to become white and show it off knows no bounds. She even has an invisible jet, so that wherever she travels, people can see that she doesn't have olive skin, red skin, or brown skin, but lilly white W.A.S.P. skin. At least, that's the only logical reason to have an invisible jet that keeps you visible.

	Name: AQUAMAN Political Alignment: REGISTERED REPUBLICAN Reason: You'd think he'd be a Green Party member. But unlike the Sharkticons, this undersea dweller is very human in nature. What does that have to do with anything? Well, put yourself in his place. You sense evildoers about, terrorists attacking, nukes flying, and in response... you can talk to goldfish. After 20 years of this happening, you'd embrace deadly pollution, whale-killing sonar, and sweet sweet death as well.

	Name: THE HULK Political Alignment: INDEPENDENTLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT Reason: He's the best candidate, frankly. If anyone does anything untoward to the U.S.A., he'll get mad. And no one wants that to happen. Also, he's the best person to make important decisions behind closed doors. If scandals hit, or commissions investigate his actions, he has the best line to say in his own defense: "I'm sorry, I was the Hulk at the time, I do not recall..."

The consensus: Crap, the Republicans are gonna win.

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